Dear Emilie Wheeler,
I enjoyed your recent article in the Herald Journal reguarding furthered funding of the Arts here in Cache Valley. As a following reader, I wanted you to know about this on going event in Cache Valley that is defining lives.
Cache Valley Area Investors Association is a group that meets bi-monthly to be trained in financial security. To educate participants in becoming financially independent is the goal of the program. The sessions is run by President Preston Parker, a professor from Utah State University. It is free of charge and has all ready begun changing lives of individuals across our community.
This is an organization that is promoting the standard of living in Cache Valley. You can benefit from it just as much as I can. Many people in our community are not aware of this phenomenal opportunity that we have. I would love to give you more information about this excellent program. I will list my contact information along with the website where memberships can be created.
Thank you for your ever watchful eye in our community,
Lee Cannon
Lee Cannon
USU Ambassador
USU Textbook Faculty Coordinator
Cell 435-760-4120
Office 435-797-0818
cannon.lee@gmail.com
CacheVAIA@gmail.com
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5 comments:
good job, I like that you did it as an update.
Lee I think you did a great job! I also really like how you addressed it as a reader! I think you mean session instead of sessions and maybe improving the quality of life instead of promoting it. GOOD JOB
"Already" is one word.
Write a subject line. The focus is financial education and financial independence.
Proof read for minor grammar and spelling mistakes.
The website is: www.cvaia.com
Make sure dates are in AP Style.
AP Style is to put commas on both sides of years when they are written with a specific date.
Put the person's contact info right before the salutation in the beginning.
Nice to mention how this association relates not only to the person you are pitching to, but also to the readers. Making this connection explicit will help make your pitch more successful.
Put your contact info at the bottom after your name. Identify your relationship with the association.
You would put a date at the beginning.
I would get some more of the lead elements near the beginning: meeting every other Thursday in the Cache County Chamber of Commerce at 7 p.m., anyone can attend and it's free of charge.
Also, have your call to action sentence at the end be a separate paragraph so it stands out.
Preston covered most of it. I liked it. Put a subject line. Nice transition from her article.
Nica angle on the update Lee. Good work
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